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Better Sex
The
Role of Sex in the Intimate Relationship
Intimate partners have all kinds of sex, from
“fast-food”
sex, to “perfunctory” sex, to
“charity” sex, to
“gourmet” sex. All these different
expressions of
physical intimacy have one thing in common, they are communicating
something.
Sex is as much about communication as is any other interaction that
you, as intimate partners, could possibly have. And the same
considerations apply to sex as apply to purely verbal communication!
Talk
the Same “Language”
Do you and your partner share the same sexual
“language”? If you don’t you
may be
mis-communicating, or misunderstanding each other, leading to
disappointment, hurt, or resentment.
This is not so much to do with technique, but rather with things like
the amount of eye contact, the facial expressions, the noise you make
(or don’t make). In conversation the “body
language”
accounts for a very important 70% or more. In sex,
it’s
practically all about body language.
Practice being more aware of your partner’s non-verbal
expressions; mirror those back and notice what happens as a result.
Compatibility
It’s true that not everyone is compatible. If he
can only
become aroused between the hours of 3 am and 6 am, and she is not a
morning person, you have a basic incompatibility!
There’s
not much you can do about a body clock!
If she likes wearing flannelette to bed because it keeps her warm and
toasty and she sleeps better, and he is revolted at the sight, barring
therapy there’s not much you can do about that one, not if he
also refuses to have an electric blanket!
He prefers sex that is deathly silent, with no eye contact, and she
likes “connection”, eye contact, and racy
conversation!
If he likes wearing women’s clothes and she finds such
“lack of masculinity” totally off-putting, that is
also a
basic incompatibility.
Couples can and do overcome these barriers, with a lot of love, a lot
of commitment, and sometimes a lot of therapy.
Left alone, left unspoken, these types of incompatibilities can cause
raging resentment that eventually implode the relationship.
If
you have these kinds of incompatibilities, then the best thing to do is
to be very honest and open about them, very respectful of each
other’s differences, and work, if necessary with a therapist,
to
resolve them happily.
In an ideal world we would have enough confidence and self-assurance to
be open about these things from the beginning.
And that brings us to …….
Honesty
Oh how little sexual honesty there is in so many
relationships.
Not so much outright lying (I’m not talking about infidelity)
but
in “settling” for unsatisfactory sex. And
how
difficult is it, after years of misleading your intimate partner about
the amount of satisfaction you’re getting, to now
“come
clean”!
Nevertheless, that’s what is necessary in order to build a
truly fulfilling intimate relationship.
There’s a joke that goes “women may fake orgasms,
but men
can fake whole relationships” and in fact in the intimate
relationship, faking an orgasm is faking a relationship. It
is
not a “white lie”. More usually it is a deliberate
deception to bring to an end a boring or unsatisfying sexual experience.
And unfortunately “faking” soon becomes the closest
the
woman will get to orgasm because in terms of behaviour theory, she has
trained herself to associate this “fake” state with
sex. I knew one woman who decried the fact that she even
faked
orgasm during masturbation!
So “settling” for unsatisfactory sex, and
particularly
faking satisfaction, is good for neither the relationship nor the
individual.
One of the best ways to deal with this is to take courage and actually
write down (because it can be more comfortable to write it than say it):
- What is not happening during
sex that you want to happen
- What is happening during sex
that you don’t want to happen
- The words you might actually
say to your partner, or the things you might actually do, to
communicate your wants
For most people this is very unfamiliar territory and it could help
your comfort to practice a little first. You will benefit
greatly
from reading chapter 4 of "Intimate Partners", where you learn
to
pre-frame a request (and also respond resourcefully to criticism) and
chapter 6, where you'll learn to ask more directly for what you want!
Time
Out Alone
The intimate partnership is intimate partly because it is exclusive and
private. If the parties don’t have that privacy,
don’t fully experience that exclusivity, then it can be
difficult
to maintain the intimacy, and certainly it can become difficult to stay
in touch with your and your partner’s sexual needs.
With all the busy demands of daily life, particular where there are new
babies or small children, the challenges of intimacy may seem
insurmountable. Keep in mind that the world, including your
children, must turn around YOU. Together you are the solid
foundation to their lives and it’s up to you to keep that
foundation intact and healthy.
Help
for Sex Issues
I believe that human beings actually need to have immensely satisfying
sex, much the same as they need to breathe good, clean air, or to eat
good-quality nutritious food, in order to function well physically and
mentally. And yet many couples are tolerating a
less-than-satisfactory sex life because they just don’t know
what
to do to make it any better. That’s not good for
the
relationship, and it’s not good for the people in the
relationship.
This article can’t possibly hope to be a complete sex manual
for
every issue that might impact on your sex life, and even if I were to
present you with hundreds of pages of information, it might not be
quite what you were looking for.
That's why we hope that the help topics available on our on-line
Relationship forum will allow you to ask the questions that you need
answers to, and have the discussions that you need to bring you a great
deal more satisfaction in your sexual relating.
As a paid member of TopLifeSolutions.com, you
get automatic entry to the Relationships forum as well as the
Depression forum.
How Much Does the
"Real Help for Chronic Pain" Program Cost, and How Do I Register?
Cost depends on your treatment
choice.
If you elect to purchase the
manual and work through that on your own or under the supervision of
your clinician, the cost of purchase is just $US27. You can purchase
the manual HERE.
You may also decide to enrol as
a paid member of TopLifeSolutions.com so that you
can access one-on-one help to treat your chronic pain on the forums
(you
can actually access 6 different forums). The cost of that is
just $US5
per month, cancellable by you at any time. You can register
as a member at www.toplifesolutions.com.
Finally, you may decide that
you'd prefer to work in private, one-on-one with Christine.
The cost in that case is $US160 per hour, paid
in advance via credit card (mastercard or visa) or PayPal. To
access private consultation, please email us direct on info@lifeworks-group.com.au.
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